My Thorn

I had a dream last night that I was sitting with a friend staring down at a road congested with traffic. I was so angry and frustrated by the structure of the road system I kept complaining to the friend how dumb the design was and how road crews have no idea what they were doing. I persisted in my complaining and he finally said to me, "Don't you see? It's not the design that's screwed up... everyone is fighting against God and going the opposite way. We need to go with God to make this work." When I took a second look at the road suddenly I felt as if I was at the edge of making sense of something big God was trying to tell me. Of course, that is when I woke up feeling clueless.

It's time to be real honest but this tough chic here is not doing so well. I have a disease called Ulcerative Colitis and in short it means I have severe inflammation in my entire colon known as Pancolitis. Most of the time I am in remission with help from incredibly expensive medicine that my insurance does not fully cover. However, sometimes it is not enough and I have a bad flare up which means even more meds. If you really want the nasty details... http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/colitis/#what. I have been taking steroids to fight this recent flare up which have been leaving me feeling completely drained, very weak, dehydrated, mentally fatigued, the list goes on. Fortunately, the risk of this harming the baby is very low and so far the baby seems to be doing well.

So why am I telling you this? This battle of mine with UC has been one of my biggest frustrations with God. It has been as the apostle Paul might say... a thorn in my flesh. It actually feels like a literal thorn in my flesh at times. I have been praying for healing for a few years. I don't understand healing prayers. Some people say you have to expect God to heal you and have faith. Do I not expect it? I know that He can. I don't understand why I have to have this. I know I should count my blessings and be thankful it is not life threatening. Most people don't have to have a colonoscopy until they are 50 and I have already had three and will have to have one yearly for most of my life. I was extremely sick on my wedding day and this disease robbed me of a happy honeymoon (but not of a happy marriage). During a flare up it really takes away from the ministry and my energy to be with people is zapped. So many frustrations!!!!

I guess like my dream I fight against God on this. I get mad at Him for not healing me right away. Perhaps it is time to stop being frustrated and go along with God. What does that even mean? Maybe it means something like Paul's response to unanswered prayer in 2nd Corinthians. Paul talks about how he prayed three times for God to take a certain thorn from his flesh (wish I knew what the thorn was he was talking about) and instead of answering the prayer the way Paul wanted God said to him...  
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

So Paul replies... "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I think it is time to stop blaming the designer and to start praising God anyway. Even if God never heals me or my disease gets worse I know the cross is more than enough for me. If God never answers another prayer I might be frustrated but I will know that God's grace is sufficient and I need nothing more in this life.