Disconnected

I don't need to hear it's not my fault and I don't need anyone to explain to me why I should or shouldn't feel this way. I am a writer. I just need to write. I welcome those who care to read/listen and learn from whatever God is doing in my life. I am not my own, so everything He puts on my heart to write is for His glory. I pray He uses my life as an open book to help others grow closer to Him.

When I tried calling Andrew I bumped some numbers that somehow had my dad's phone number on speed dial. When I saw his name pop up in my phone my heart sank. This is for real... not a dream. He really is gone and I should probably delete his number in my phone so that I can live in the reality that he is gone. There is no reason to keep his phone number any more. Yet, I cannot seem to make myself delete it. Maybe if I call the number I will hear his voicemail and I can just hear his voice! No, that's so stupid. Wake up Sam. He is gone. I hit send anyway and listened to an automated voice tell me over and over again this phone number was no longer connected. So I hung up and dialed again. So stupid. I know what the outcome is going to be. The third time is a charm and finally the automated message brings me to tears echoing in my head... The phone number you are trying to reach is no longer connected.

That's the tough part about death. There are several people I no longer talk to anymore, but if I wanted to get into contact with them I could no problem. Not with death. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to connect with my dad again right now. That stupid automated voice is right... we are no longer connected. Ugggg it just sucks. The most frustrating part is that I didn't try to stay that connected while he was here on earth. I understand it takes two to make a relationship work. But all I can do lately is reflect on the parts where I failed. For some reason when he was alive, all I could do was focus on the parts where he failed. Honestly, when he was alive I cared very little about hearing his voice or wanting to connect with him. I forgave him and I thought that was good enough. I moved on with my life and lived in my own self-absorbed little world talking to him once in a while. I am ashamed to admit it, but I rarely missed him when he was here on earth. I never even knew what that felt like. Now that he's gone, I miss him a lot which makes me feel like a hypocrite. The crazy part is I spend a huge amount of time ministering to people. However, I really didn't intentionally make an effort to minister to my dad. So many little things remind me of him now that he's gone. I had no idea how much of an impact he had on me. I wish we had more time. I wish I gave him more of my time. I have a lot of regrets and there is nothing I can do about them.

I just hope someone can learn something from my story. Make efforts to connect to your family, appreciate the good things, and tell them what you appreciate while they are still here on earth.