Letting Go and Pressing On
Nearly every 4th of July I have been with my Dad up at my Grandparent's cottage. I have countless wonderful memories there, and some very difficult ones. My latest memory at the cottage, was pouring my Dad's ashes into the lake that he loved so much.
Today is Independence Day and instead of grilling out and swimming at the cottage, I am sitting inside very far away from my family while it's pouring down rain. The all day rain reflects my solemn heart at this moment. Sometimes to process I have to sit in my hurt and just let the healing rain pour down.
When I was a kid Independence Day was one of my favorite holidays. It meant going up to the cottage and seeing my neighbor friends who are like family. It meant boating, swimming,
campfires, fire-works on the lake, hikes in the woods, ice-cream, sparklers, grilling, bike rides to town, glow sticks, demolition derby, parades, exploring the rail-road tracks, listening to loud drunk people's conversations from across the lake and laughing hysterically!
However, my favorite childhood memory was the time my Dad stopped at a fireworks stand on our way up. In Michigan, pretty much any firework that shoots in the air is illegal. I wasn't all that excited to buy the lame glorified sparklers on the ground,but my Dad seemed very enthusiastic about the idea so I followed him out of the car. He walked around the firework tent as if he was looking for something special.
"May I help you find something?" The attendant asked.
"Do you have anything bigger?" My father asks with a smug look on his face.
The attendant suggested some of their big roman candles and walked him over to a section of larger yet still lame fireworks. My father looks him in the eye with a rebellious smirk and says,
"No, no, I want the ones that go BOOM!"
The attendant looks around suspiciously, then looks at us and says follow me. He takes us behind the tent and shows us a magazine. My Dad pointed to a few things and the attendant disappeared for a while. While I was clueless about what was going on, the attendant directed us to pull our car over to the pizza parlor. As we drove up a man walked over to the car and gave us pizza boxes and said,
"Here are your pizzas! Have a nice day."
"We didn't order any pizzas." I told the man, but my Dad thanked him and set the boxes down on my lap. As we drove off I opened the boxes to find the most amazing supply of illegal fireworks I have ever seen. When we made it to the cottage that 4th of July we were finally THAT cottage on the lake who had one of the best firework shows.
Today as much as I wish I could shoot off illegal fireworks with my Dad, I am thankful I have this memory to enjoy. I never imagined growing up would be this hard. It's funny how when I was a kid I pretended to be an adult. I played house and imaginary games of what my future might be. Now that I am an adult, I am grieving the loss of my childhood. I know that sounds ridiculous and I like to think of myself as someone who moves on easily. The truth is, I never knew it would be this hard. I guess I just wasn't prepared for it and everything happened so fast. My Dad passed away unexpectedly and now we have to sell my Grandparents cottage as they are aging and moving to Arizona.
How do I let go and press on?
I think part of moving on is acknowledging the pain so it can't creep up on you and take away your current joys in life. Perhaps this is me dealing with it by watching the rain fall, choosing to remember, and being OK with letting it hurt in the moment. This is part of letting go. Some may argue this is dwelling in the past. I think dwelling in the past means one never acknowledges what they are grateful for in the present or what they hope for in the future. This is when dwelling in the past can be unhealthy.
Pressing on is stepping out of the pain when the time is right and letting hope be the light of your life.
I hope I can help my son have a life full of current joys and happy memories.
I hope my future will be full of family, friends, and new family and friends to come.
I hope my husband and I create our own adventures for our family.
I hope God blesses my children in similar ways I have been blessed.
I hope God will bring healing and light in times of darkness and pain.
I hope God will use my story to bless others and to reveal truth of who He is.
Even though this 4th of July is rainy, I know my heart is on the mend and my Healer will provide sunshine for many Independence Days to come.
Phillipians 3:14: "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Today is Independence Day and instead of grilling out and swimming at the cottage, I am sitting inside very far away from my family while it's pouring down rain. The all day rain reflects my solemn heart at this moment. Sometimes to process I have to sit in my hurt and just let the healing rain pour down.
 | ||
| (My Dad,childhood friends, Me -right) |
campfires, fire-works on the lake, hikes in the woods, ice-cream, sparklers, grilling, bike rides to town, glow sticks, demolition derby, parades, exploring the rail-road tracks, listening to loud drunk people's conversations from across the lake and laughing hysterically!
However, my favorite childhood memory was the time my Dad stopped at a fireworks stand on our way up. In Michigan, pretty much any firework that shoots in the air is illegal. I wasn't all that excited to buy the lame glorified sparklers on the ground,but my Dad seemed very enthusiastic about the idea so I followed him out of the car. He walked around the firework tent as if he was looking for something special.
"May I help you find something?" The attendant asked.
"Do you have anything bigger?" My father asks with a smug look on his face.
The attendant suggested some of their big roman candles and walked him over to a section of larger yet still lame fireworks. My father looks him in the eye with a rebellious smirk and says,
"No, no, I want the ones that go BOOM!"
The attendant looks around suspiciously, then looks at us and says follow me. He takes us behind the tent and shows us a magazine. My Dad pointed to a few things and the attendant disappeared for a while. While I was clueless about what was going on, the attendant directed us to pull our car over to the pizza parlor. As we drove up a man walked over to the car and gave us pizza boxes and said,
"Here are your pizzas! Have a nice day."
"We didn't order any pizzas." I told the man, but my Dad thanked him and set the boxes down on my lap. As we drove off I opened the boxes to find the most amazing supply of illegal fireworks I have ever seen. When we made it to the cottage that 4th of July we were finally THAT cottage on the lake who had one of the best firework shows.
Today as much as I wish I could shoot off illegal fireworks with my Dad, I am thankful I have this memory to enjoy. I never imagined growing up would be this hard. It's funny how when I was a kid I pretended to be an adult. I played house and imaginary games of what my future might be. Now that I am an adult, I am grieving the loss of my childhood. I know that sounds ridiculous and I like to think of myself as someone who moves on easily. The truth is, I never knew it would be this hard. I guess I just wasn't prepared for it and everything happened so fast. My Dad passed away unexpectedly and now we have to sell my Grandparents cottage as they are aging and moving to Arizona.
How do I let go and press on?
 |
| Lake George,Mi |
Pressing on is stepping out of the pain when the time is right and letting hope be the light of your life.
I hope I can help my son have a life full of current joys and happy memories.
I hope my future will be full of family, friends, and new family and friends to come.
I hope my husband and I create our own adventures for our family.
I hope God blesses my children in similar ways I have been blessed.
I hope God will bring healing and light in times of darkness and pain.
I hope God will use my story to bless others and to reveal truth of who He is.
Even though this 4th of July is rainy, I know my heart is on the mend and my Healer will provide sunshine for many Independence Days to come.
Phillipians 3:14: "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
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