Where I Found True Intimacy (and trust me it's not where you think)

I will never forget my honeymoon since it is where I learned the depth and beauty of true intimacy in the most unconventional way. My whole marriage started off pretty rough because during my wedding I was battling c-diff (google it) on top of an intestinal disease known as ulcerative colitis. Sometimes I get angry and bitter about how the disease tainted my wedding day and my honeymoon. I have been able to let some of that go because I realized I learned a lesson about vulnerability and intimacy on my honeymoon that most don't get to experience. And no I am not talking about in the bedroom… but in the bathroom where we are most vulnerable.  

In the hammock closest to the bathroom of course.

First, what you need to know about ulcerative colitis is that this disease is a giant literal pain in the ass. Basically, my immune system freaks out and makes my intestines attack themselves causing me to knock down the bathroom door before I crap my pants between 10-20 times a day. The loss of blood and lack of nutrition leaves me feeling insanely fatigued. Enduring that much pain for so long also makes me feel defeated and depressed. Whenever I have a flare up, I feel like I am in my most vulnerable and depressed state. I feel like I am losing my freaking mind.  

So there I am on my honeymoon, sitting on the toilet for the bajillionth time. My husband walks in, sits on the bathtub next to the toilet, and reaches out for my hand.

“What are you doing?” I asked. 

“Honey, if I didn’t hang out with you in the bathroom, I wouldn’t get to be with you on our honeymoon.” He said.

I don’t remember much of where the conversation went from there. But I remember laughing and crying. I remember being embarrassed by the smells, farts, and groans of extreme pain. Yet, I knew that I had never been more proud that he was the man I married. It doesn’t get more romantic than that right?! Well, I suppose that’s debatable and I am still aching for a second honeymoon do-over. On the other hand, I believe our honeymoon was preparing our marriage for real life and how to deal with the crap that follows (literally and figuratively speaking).

Since our honeymoon, I quickly learned that life tends to bring more bathroom moments than Caribbean romantic getaways. I learned the deepest intimacy takes place when we are willing to let others sit with us in our most vulnerable moments. I have more to learn when it comes to my own willingness of being vulnerable. For now, I believe I am one step closer by letting others in on my story because we all have a desire to connect in some way.