How Are You?
Looking down the aisle, a daunting feeling overwhelmed me while glancing at the endless row of paper products to choose from. I am so sick of making decisions and trying to make the “best” choices. Going against my normal routine, I chose to not check brand names or prices but simply grabbed the closest package of toilet paper within my reach. After all, does it really matter what I wipe my butt with? I am exhausted of getting tied up in the details of life. I was in search for simplicity, merely in search for the essentials… bread, milk, cereal, and toilet paper. Since that’s all I could fit in my hands, I decided to be done. Not many people were in the store, but the few that were there were on their own quest for essentials. I doubt they noticed the emotional weight I was carrying. I know this because I was too focused on my own problems to think about theirs. I walked up to the counter and laid my items down anticipating the dreaded question to come. I knew the cashier would probably ask how I am doing tonight, but what I didn’t know was what kind of answer she was looking for. Did she want the truth? Most people trying to make small talk in these situations don’t. However, I was tired of acting happy all the time and lying just to make others comfortable. For a split second I wondered what would happen if I told her the truth. I imagined myself throwing my groceries down and yelling at the top of my lungs in Walmart… “I AM NOT OK!!!!!” What do you think her response would have been? She probably would have felt obligated to help me. The funny part is, just being honest for once would have brought me healing from the peace that comes from proclaiming the truth. The freedom of honest expression is a rare art.
“How are you?” She asked me. I opened my mouth, hesitated, realized she wasn’t even looking at me and quickly answered without thinking,
“Fine.”
“ Did you have any problems finding anything tonight?”
I thought about telling her how frustrated I was about having to make so many decisions in life and letting people down. I wanted to tell her how exhausted I was coming to the grocery store and having to make more decisions about what product is the best and which one is most cost effective. I wanted to scream, “YES, YES, YES I HAVE PROBLEMS!” I am hardly ever content, I get stressed out easily, I have a hard time making decisions, I have a people pleasing addiction, I don’t know how to give burdens over to God, and I internalize conflict with other people. So, yes I have problems finding peace and contentment.
“No Ma’am. I didn’t have a problem.”
Why didn’t I just tell her the truth? Part of me wants to say it’s a conditioned response. I am so used to answering fine or good it just came out faster than I could think it. I also wanted to stay in hiding. My pride keeps me from being honest. I don’t even care if people think I have it all together or not. The fact of the matter is… I don’t want to burden others. I am burdened every day by other people’s complaints, depression, struggles, etc. I carry others’ weight for them, and I don’t know how to give it over to God.
Ministry often leads us to believe we need to be the strong ones for everyone else, when really Christ was the strong one for all of us. But aren’t I supposed to model Christ to others?
Giving the cashier a big smile, I said thank you and left the store feeling guilty once again about not answering her questions honestly. But as the sliding doors automatically opened soon peace and contentment was found. I felt drops of peace pouring all over me. It was raining. Most people don’t like the rain, but for some reason I find God’s peace in the rain. I love the rain so much I intentionally parked in the furthest parking spot away from the store so I could spend time walking in the rain. This was a good and easy decision.
I put my groceries down in the car and spent time standing outside enjoying the rain pouring down on me. I have no explanation for why I feel God’s presence in rain but I find it healing for absolutely no reason. I spent time in the parking lot soaking up God’s presence. I didn’t hear Him speak, and I had no words. I simply existed before Him, and it truly was a healing experience.
When I walked into my apartment soaking wet, my husband greeted me…
“Hi Hun, how are you?”
All I could do was laugh
“How are you?” She asked me. I opened my mouth, hesitated, realized she wasn’t even looking at me and quickly answered without thinking,
“Fine.”
“ Did you have any problems finding anything tonight?”
I thought about telling her how frustrated I was about having to make so many decisions in life and letting people down. I wanted to tell her how exhausted I was coming to the grocery store and having to make more decisions about what product is the best and which one is most cost effective. I wanted to scream, “YES, YES, YES I HAVE PROBLEMS!” I am hardly ever content, I get stressed out easily, I have a hard time making decisions, I have a people pleasing addiction, I don’t know how to give burdens over to God, and I internalize conflict with other people. So, yes I have problems finding peace and contentment.
“No Ma’am. I didn’t have a problem.”
Why didn’t I just tell her the truth? Part of me wants to say it’s a conditioned response. I am so used to answering fine or good it just came out faster than I could think it. I also wanted to stay in hiding. My pride keeps me from being honest. I don’t even care if people think I have it all together or not. The fact of the matter is… I don’t want to burden others. I am burdened every day by other people’s complaints, depression, struggles, etc. I carry others’ weight for them, and I don’t know how to give it over to God.
Ministry often leads us to believe we need to be the strong ones for everyone else, when really Christ was the strong one for all of us. But aren’t I supposed to model Christ to others?
Giving the cashier a big smile, I said thank you and left the store feeling guilty once again about not answering her questions honestly. But as the sliding doors automatically opened soon peace and contentment was found. I felt drops of peace pouring all over me. It was raining. Most people don’t like the rain, but for some reason I find God’s peace in the rain. I love the rain so much I intentionally parked in the furthest parking spot away from the store so I could spend time walking in the rain. This was a good and easy decision.
I put my groceries down in the car and spent time standing outside enjoying the rain pouring down on me. I have no explanation for why I feel God’s presence in rain but I find it healing for absolutely no reason. I spent time in the parking lot soaking up God’s presence. I didn’t hear Him speak, and I had no words. I simply existed before Him, and it truly was a healing experience.
When I walked into my apartment soaking wet, my husband greeted me…
“Hi Hun, how are you?”
All I could do was laugh
Wow. I can't tell you how many times that has happened to me.... well not about the cashier, about you have these things that you want to tell but you just cant.
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