TIME

Time is just the craziest thing. That's just what it is... a thing! It's not really a concept or an idea. It's not really a personality or character. It's real. It's moving. It's always moving. It cannot be stopped. I believe time to be one of the most valuable things we are gifted with on earth. Today, I turned twenty-six years old and I can't help but ask what have I done with the past twenty-six years of my life? I hope and pray it was time used to bring glory to God because if God is not in the picture than what's the point? As the author in Ecclesiastes states, "Everything is meaningless. All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return"  If what we do on earth does not have a lasting effect to bring glory to God's Kingdom than it is absolutely meaningless. Sounds a bit harsh, but not when you have just experienced a birth and a death within the same season.

I have been thinking about birth and death in abundance lately because I recently gave birth to my son three months ago and I lost my dad one month ago. There is this bizarre combination of grief and joy twisted inside of me. I am sad for the loss of my dad, but I am even more sad at the loss of time I will not have with him and the loss of time he will not have with his grandson. I also grieve for the time he did have on earth because I am afraid he spent many days in struggle and in loneliness. I often find myself frustrated that he and I didn't make much effort with the time we did have. I especially think of this today on my birthday because he rarely remembered to call me on my birthday. Caught in my own pride, I returned the favor this year by not calling him on his birthday.

Now I have this precious baby boy who is growing like a weed. Time does it's thing and just keeps moving like an unstoppable river and there is no going back up the current (Unless you are a salmon but that doesn't really apply here). However, with this current comes exciting times! Every day a little more of Desmond's personality is revealed. All I can do is hope and pray his precious life is one that glorifies God or even his life too is meaningless.

I had a dream a week ago and I was going for a walk with my dad. It felt insanely real to me. In the dream, the more time I spent with him on the walk the more I felt my heart being softened. I remember during the walk feeling panicked because I kept thinking... "I need more time! He is going to die on Tuesday! I am not ready yet." Knowing I had very little time left, ironically enough for the first time I actually wanted to spend more time with him. Why does life have to bite like that? Knowing he was going to die on Tuesday in my dream I apologized to my dad for closing myself off toward him and always feeling awkward around him. He gave me a confused look and told me now is not the time to worry about that. "It's OK" he said. He then told me he always thought I was a really cool kid. He told me he thought I was really funny and I always made him laugh. Then he said he was really proud of me and for how much I have already accomplished in my life at such a young age. He told me he was proud of the choices I made and will continue to make in the future. Our conversation was wrapping up so I initiated a hug and for the first time didn't feel awkward during the hug and didn't let go. He stepped back and his face turned frustrated as he told me to suddenly leave. He said, it's time for you to go. I just kept thinking... he doesn't understand! I can't leave he is going to die on Tuesday! I need more time. He insisted I move on and let him be. So I walked away with my head down but kept an eye on him to see what he would do next. He went and saw my grandparents who were throwing a party for him. He got a bunch of money and kept laughing saying, "I won't need any of this where I am going." Then he saw me and motioned for me to leave his presence once again. I walked out into the street and saw one of my youth kids. She said she needed my help and I tried to tell her I had my own problems because my dad was going to die on Tuesday. She insisted that I help her get into this building so I helped her but really discovered she was the one helping me.

When I woke up my thoughts wrestled back and forth if this dream was from God or not. The next morning I received my son's birth certificate and my dad's death certificate on the same day. My son was born on a Tuesday and I never knew what day my dad died. The death certificate said he died on or near January 24 which would have been a Tuesday. I don't know why that matters or what it means but I know this was a repetitive part of my dream that he was going to die on Tuesday. After realizing this I said, OK God... I am listening.

 God speaks to us in many different ways but for me this is how I heard him speak through the dream. I believe God and my dad are telling me it's OK to move on with my life and not dwell on what could have been or what I thought could have been. God has called me to walk along side teenagers and help them in their faith journey. He has also put a new calling in my life to be a mother and to show my son the love of his Heavenly Father. How can I accomplish this calling if I can't stop feeling bad or am too consumed with my own emotions? And just like in my dream, I realize more each day the longer I am in ministry how much I am the one ministered to by others! However, I must learn to let go of my own problems in life and choose to move on so that I won't waste time. There is a time and season for everything. A time for mourning and a time for dancing. Today is my birthday so I choose to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  a time to be born and a time to die,
 a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
 a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
 a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,  a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
 a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
 a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
 a time for war and a time for peace.