What I Learned From Marriage Counseling

"She's pretty nervous." Andrew tells the counselor with a smirk on his face.

With my jaw clenched and my breathe held,  I shot my husband a look as if there were lazers coming from my eyes burning that smirk right off his face. Then, I turned my lazers off as I looked at the counselor, "Haha, I am not that nervous! I'm fine. It's not a big deal." I responded while the sweat poured out every pore in my body.

I don't know what would unnerve me about sitting in a room with a complete stranger, confessing my failures in my marriage. And I don't know why I would think that I have to once again pretend that everything is fine. I waited for the counselor to take the lead. Instead we sat in a long awkward silence while I gazed around the room at the blown glass sculptures. I usually don't hesitate to tell others about my life, but this guy unnerved me because I was pretty sure counselors are capable of Jedi mind tricks. I decided to play hardball in order to test out his Jedi mastery by not talking too much. I continued to gaze at the blown glass sculptures.

Finally, Andrew jumped in and shared the communication problems we have been experiencing. The thing about scientists is they are really good at looking at issues with a zoomed out lens to articulate the larger picture from the details they have gathered about the situation. I tend to feel 8 million emotions before I can even articulate the reasoning behind them or see the larger picture.

Thanks to my husband and the Jedi, I was able to zoom-out and process the bigger picture.

Most of the time everything is fine or seems close to fine as we do what we need to get everyone through each day. Sometimes we go through seasons where we just can't seem to communicate with one another effectively. Since having a child, and then another child, and then two careers, the added stress has caused more conflict than normal. Everyone says when you have kids everything changes. I never realized the depth of this comment until having more than one kid. Kids are like adorable black holes of attention! At the end of most days we are mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. I look to Andrew to help build me back up and he looks for me to do the same. However, when we are both feeling drained it either brings out the worst in each of us, or we just don't do what it takes to be intentional with each other. Often this can cause our communication with one another to be destructive and hurtful.

We didn't explain all this to our counselor but he somehow helped us come up with these conclusions ourselves... because he's most definitely a Jedi.

"Actually, I will be honest, every couple that comes here shares the same problems you are facing." Explains the Jedi.

I don't know why it surprised me so much in the moment, but hearing that one sentence was alarming and relieving all at the same time. I guess I was surprised because it just seems like nobody talks about this stuff.

While the Jedi was explaining something I found myself distracted by the blown glass art again. What is it about this art that keeps calling for my attention? I assume it's in his office because it's supposed to be soothing or something. I found it more than soothing, I felt as if it was trying to tell me something. The more studied it, the more I realized why I was so drawn to it. Hand blown glass art is all about transformation. The glass is melted into a different form and then reshaped into a beautiful piece of art. This is why I was going to marriage counseling. I believe it's because God is trying to reshape and transform us into something even more beautiful. This transformative process is painful and hard but worth the beauty!

I walked out of the office feeling relieved and a bit more free than when I first walked in. Maybe our problems weren't as bad as I thought they were if everyone deals with similar issues. Going to counseling should be for those who want a healthy transformative marriage, not just for those seeking help as a last resort. I want our marriage to be healthy, imperfect, and full of God's grace. I want our marriage to be full of life, not just surviving through each day. I want our kids to see a picture of how beautiful marriage can be and how ridiculously hard it is to love someone the way Christ loves us. Yet, the beauty is worth the transformative process.

I tend to treat God the way I used to think of marriage counseling. I used to think of it as something people go to as a last resort to avoid divorce. Now I clearly see the benefit of seeking wisdom from a neutral third party to help transform marriage into something more beautiful. I don't go to God enough to seek wisdom and health in daily life. But when crisis hits, I tend to drop to my knees and beg for God's help as a last resort for survival. I think God delights in us coming to Him no matter the reason or situation. However, if I sought God's wisdom and help in my daily life, I would experience life more abundantly while being transformed into something more beautiful.

So let's talk about this stuff.  Let's listen without judgement. Let's love without boundaries. Let's be real and vulnerable so that transformation can happen. Let's love each other the way Christ loves us so that God's beauty will reflect through us.