Not My Own

"She's pretty nervous." Andrew tells the counselor with a smirk on his face. With my jaw clenched and my breathe held,  I shot my husband a look as if there were lazers coming from my eyes burning that smirk right off his face. Then, I turned my lazers off as I looked at the counselor, "Haha, I am not that nervous! I'm fine. It's not a big deal." I responded while the sweat poured out every pore in my body. I don't know what would unnerve me about sitting in a room with a complete stranger, confessing my failures in my marriage. And I don't know why I would think that I have to once again pretend that everything is fine. I waited for the counselor to take the lead. Instead we sat in a long awkward silence while I gazed around the room at the blown glass sculptures. I usually don't hesitate to tell others about my life, but this guy unnerved me because I was pretty sure counselors are capable of Jedi mind tricks. I decided to play hardbal

On our way home from church my four year old son taught me a profound lesson he learned from his Sunday school class. The conversation between my husband and son went a little like this... Andrew: Hey buddy, what did you learn in church today? Desmond: I learned about how Jesus said, "Come follow me." Andrew: Yeah, so what does that mean? Desmond: I don't really know. They just told me to say that. Andrew: But what does it mean to follow someone? Desmond: It just means that you walk. My husband went on to explain how when you follow someone, you can literally follow them where they go but you can also follow them in a way that you do what they do. I liked my husband's answer, but honestly I liked Desmond's answer best. To follow someone, means to walk! Claiming to be a Christian essentially means one follows Christ. Breaking down the definition of "following" according to a child, sure makes our job of following Christ much simpler than e

Dear Christians, I know you think are you being helpful by telling everyone during a crisis, “ Don’t be afraid, God is in control ." I know you mean well, and I even catch myself saying this often. Yet, I never find it helpful when someone says it to me, and it almost never seems to help those I say it to. I know I know I know… you are probably thinking " Well it may not be helpful but it’s the truth! " I just think we are too eager to help “fix” others emotions when in reality we are the ones uncomfortable with their emotions.  So let’s think about the basis of fear and worry. Worry is a reaction from fear.   I tend to think of fear as a raw emotion within itself. Experiencing fear is an absolute necessary part of our survival as human beings. I know the Bible says " Do not fear " over and over again. Perhaps, this is why so many Christians including myself, quickly experience guilt after initially feeling fear. However, I think there is a big differe

Glancing back at wedding photos, I am reminded that eight years ago I felt the same way then as I do now. My heart is still racing, my gut still aches, and my bowels are still out of control. Oh, the sweet romance that ulcerative colitis can add to all special occasions in life! I was undiagnosed during my wedding with no idea why my insides hated me. I was so frustrated and sick. I am pretty sure at some point that summer I should have been hospitalized. There were many unknowns then, but I knew one thing for sure. NOTHING was going to stop me from getting married on July 18. I remember a few weeks before the wedding discussing the idea of going to the hospital. I remember being furious with those who even suggested it. I also remember telling them even if you have to wheel me down the isle in a hospital bed I was going to get married! I made a bit of a comeback and was able to to walk myself down the isle and even dance. Most people had no idea how sick I really was.  I used t

Our family trip to Target for diapers and a wifi modem turned out to be mini revelation for me that I just had to share with y'all! My life was yet again reflected back to me through the perspective of a four year old. Within minutes of arriving, my son already had it in his head he was getting a toy. For the life of me, I don’t know why sometimes he’s 100% fine with not getting a toy and other Target trips he just gets it in his head that is the way it will be. Today was one of those days. It also happened to be one of those days that no matter what logic you try to pour into his head about getting over the disappointment; he was not going to stop bawling his eyes out. So I gave my husband the look and said, “We will be outside.” I grabbed my son’s hand and calmly walked him outside turning every head in Target toward our direction. There we sat on a flowerbed ledge where I let my boy cry his eyes out. Our conversation went a little like this… Me: Sweetheart, I know you are

I just made an intentional effort to be more vulnerable in my life and to live that vulnerability out loud for 40 days. It was so incredibly hard at first! However, it got much easier about half way through. I think that's because the initial leap forward into vulnerability is always the hardest. There are so many unknowns, and I tend to fill my head with the made up thoughts and voices of what everyone else is thinking of me. The more I practiced vulnerability, the more my fear of what others were thinking started to have no power. The reason I chose to practice vulnerability for 40 days during Lent was to learn to let go of the fears of what others think of me. I also wanted to make deeper connections with those around me. Most of all, I did it because I believe the love of Jesus Christ shines best when we allow ourselves to be broken and honest. The season of Lent is a time to reflect on our messed up lives to show how much we truly need God. It's a beautiful messy process

Parents have been asking me lately how to talk to their preschool kids about God. My response usually involves me spitting out and choking on the current beverage I have poured down my throat. Why on earth anyone would think I know what I am doing in that realm is beyond me. Put me in a room with teenagers and their families and I am delighted to question and wrestle alongside them as we figure out our spiritual journey together. Put me in a room with preschoolers and I am completely clueless how to answer their most blatant questions. Their cuteness and unpredictably are like lethal weapons that cause me great anxiety. I love preschoolers with all my heart but they also terrify me. It's a weird bag of emotions. Anyway, when my own preschooler asks me questions about God I don't know what I am doing and I get all panicky about making sure I give him the right answers so I don't forever screw up his view of God. Truth is, I don't know what I am doing but I try my best

It's just been one of those weeks. Well, actually it's just been one of those months. I have been dealing with a colitis flare up which led to being on steroids, which means I feel like a crazy person, which means my husband has to deal with a crazy person. Oh yeah, and then there is doing all this while trying to parent a toddler and a preschooler. A toddler who keeps waking up in the night crying for no reason that we understand. Under these circumstances, one can understand why things in our marriage this past week have been a little awkward and a lot tense. Communication when we are both emotionally compromised has been a real bust. My incredible husband is the sweetest and most patient man I have ever known. This is one of the main reasons I married him. He is a true gem. We have a fantastic relationship and it's something I am ever so proud of. I adore him and our deep conversations that are never ending. However, life happens and it doesn't mean that we don&#

When I worked as a Youth Director in Tennessee I was once asked to compete with a few other townsfolk to do the football picks for the local news paper. I jumped at the chance even though I knew very little about football. The only reason I agreed to do it was because I thought it would make me look athletic and cool. Knowing my face would be in the paper each week meant town celebrity status right? Hardly! I knew I was in over my head when elderly gentlemen would approach me to comment on my picks. They would often tease me if they disagreed or high five if they thought I rooted for their team. Sometimes they would question why I chose a certain team and my answer would always be, "I am just very confident in their offense this year!" Would you believe I actually won one year? I even got a giftcard as the prize. I still feel a little guilty about this! The truth is, I don't even like football. I LOVE to play football and I really don't enjoy watching it. I have v

Ash Wednesday is coming up this week are you ready for the beginning of Lent? (Click here to learn more about Ash Wednesday and Lent...  http://www.gotquestions.org/Ash-Wednesday.html )  I always thought of Lent as a weird excuse for Christians to go on a diet. I heard people say it was a time to give up chocolate or junk food. I didn't get what the heck it ever had to do with Jesus. For more on my thoughts of Lent read here...  http://samtidball.blogspot.com/2013/04/my-lent-fail.html . But the past few years I realized Lent can be an awesome time to focus on a specific theme that God is trying to teach me or a time I can put a discipline into practice in order to grow in my faith. However, this Lent I am trying a practice that most people don't think of as a typical discipline, especially in the church. This year I am going to do 40 Days of Vulnerability and I am asking for some brave souls to join me. Here's what I have in mind...  Vulnerability comes from the Lat