8 Things I Learned in 8 Years of Marriage

Glancing back at wedding photos, I am reminded that eight years ago I felt the same way then as I do now. My heart is still racing, my gut still aches, and my bowels are still out of control. Oh, the sweet romance that ulcerative colitis can add to all special occasions in life! I was undiagnosed during my wedding with no idea why my insides hated me. I was so frustrated and sick. I am pretty sure at some point that summer I should have been hospitalized. There were many unknowns then, but I knew one thing for sure. NOTHING was going to stop me from getting married on July 18. I remember a few weeks before the wedding discussing the idea of going to the hospital. I remember being furious with those who even suggested it. I also remember telling them even if you have to wheel me down the isle in a hospital bed I was going to get married! I made a bit of a comeback and was able to to walk myself down the isle and even dance. Most people had no idea how sick I really was. 

I used to look back on pictures and find myself getting a little bitter. I remember going to other weddings and feeling frustrated when brides got all anal about every detail. I would get jealous about how healthy they were and how they probably got to enjoy it more. For the longest time I said I wanted to a re-do wedding... a chance to do a wedding over when I was healthy. Maybe someday we will renew or vows or whatever but for now I am just over it. I don't really care about a re-do or having some perfect day. I'm just over it, because life is far from perfect. Besides, when I reflect back on eight years of marriage, I don't think about my wedding day. I think about all the growth that took place after that day until now. 

After being married for eight years I can honestly say the wedding day was special for it's own reasons but it was simply just a starting line. Our wedding was beautiful and I definitely hold memories dear to me from that day. However, I cannot express enough how much the details did not matter and certainly don't matter eight years down the line. What matters is that at the end of the day I made one of the best decisions of my life. I remember it was an easy decision for me, one made with absolute assurance and peace. The decision to get married was easy, the eight years that followed were certainly not. Now, when I look back at wedding photos I don't think about the details of the day; instead I look at my gleaming husband and remember that choosing to do life together with him was the best decision I ever made. 

So as I reflect on eight years of marriage, here are eight things I learned from doing life together since that day...

1. Don't be afraid to sort through your crap together (Pun always intended #colitishumor). Everyone brings baggage. Be honest about what that is. Figure it out together. Get messy, sort through it. Sit in one another's pain together. You will be sorting through one another's crap constantly that you never knew existed and perhaps you thought you knew. Embrace it head on with gentleness, patience, and mercy for one another.

2. Be in community . I have learned we cannot just sort through our crap as a couple. We NEED OTHERS to sort through with us. This takes pressure of spouse to be your one and only. This involves vulnerability and transparency with those we trust. Counseling is also fantastic even if you just need someone to professionally process emotions with... you don't have to be in a crisis to go to counseling. 

3. Admit you are wrong. I royally suck at this. Pride runs rampant through my veins. But I am ever so slowly learning to admit (with my husband's help) when I am wrong. I have made many damaging mistakes especially the first year of our marriage that are humbling. Learn from those mistakes by first admitting them. 

4. Do not compare yourself to other couples. This game gets super dangerous. Whenever I start to compare myself to other couples I end up in two different unhealthy directions. I tend to start judging and elevate myself above others OR I tend to focus on what's missing in my own relationship instead of what we do have. Just don't even bother with that crap. Instead have gratitude for what you do have as a couple.

5. Expect transitions to bring out the worst and best. Whether, it's parenting, a new career, moving, family crisis, health issues, etc. Be prepared to see the best and worst side of your spouse. We have been through so many transitions together, and I can certainly say this has brought out our strengths and weaknesses as a couple. Learn as much as you can during those times to help you prepare for future transitions. 

6. If you want something... say it. Being married doesn't mean your partner understands you and thinks like you. I am so embarrassed to think of my first year or two of marriage. I was constantly frustrated with my husband for not knowing what I was thinking. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do the things I wanted or expected him to do. Well duh, he's not a robot. We both have to constantly remind each other to speak out loud what we want from one another. I am getting better at being more direct about this but I still fall into old habits of complaining about what he doesn't do... instead of just asking him kindly to do something.

7. Laugh at least as much as you tussle. My husband and I fight. Sometimes we fight about meaningless stupid stuff, and sometimes it's serious. We have gotten better at how we fight, and I hope we do it in a less than damaging way than before. I think fighting is healthy and keeps us honest with one another. Fighting is how we grow and learn to practice forgiveness. On the other hand, we LOVE to laugh and our humor even though has it's differences, is one of my favorite things to share with him. We often break into laughter during or after an argument (mostly me because I am immature like that) and those are my favorite moments. Life is too important to take too seriously. Even if you fight often, find ways to laugh more than you fight.

8. Do not depend on your spouse to fulfill you as a human being. Your relationship status doesn't define your worth as a human being. You are a beloved child of God, loved simply for being you. I believe marriage unifies us with another human but it doesn't mean we lose our independence and identity. It means we get another person by our side to do life with. Hopefully, a person who helps us grow and be better person. Thankfully, my person has the same core belief in life to reflect Christ as much as we can to the world around us. This core belief reminds us to live beyond ourselves and to give the glory to God.