Dear Grandma,
It still nearly takes my breathe away when I think about you being gone from this earth. Isn't it absurd how you can wait in dreaded expectation for death to come? But then it shows up and pulls the rug out from under you just when you are looking the other direction? Grandpa's health was such a rollercoaster over the past decade. We all had our eyes on him thinking he would be the first to leave us. I never imagined it would be Dad first, then you, then Grandpa following close behind. The loss of all of you is just overwhelming, yet sometimes I find beauty in the quiet moments when I hear your voice whisper wisdom to my soul.
When I heard about the news of you suddenly going downhill, my heart shattered and the waterfall of despair came over me. Thank God for little ones. Briley came over to me in the midst of my heart-ache and said to me with confidence, "Have no fear. Have no fear." She then got her children's Bible off the shelf and opened it on my lap as she repeated, "Have no fear. Jesus came as a baby." This tiny one gave me the strength to beg for God to take you quickly so you could be with your son. How right she was to remind me that Immanuel, God with us, will restore what's broken. I just wish this truth also meant that I didn't have to hurt like hell.
Since I realized I was losing you, I have not been able to write. You were my biggest fan and my loudest encourager. In fact, almost every time I wrote a blog, you would personally call me just to talk to me about it and offer praise. I just miss you so damn much. You told me to keep writing and never stop. I paused on the whole writing thing, but now I am pressing play again because I want to make you proud.
When I was going for a walk, grieving immensely over you, I heard wind chimes in the distance. You loved wind-chimes and hung them at the cottage. I have such a vivid image of you reading a book on the deck with the sun peeking through the trees, a gentle summer breeze blowing, and the wind-chimes singing nature's beauty. So on this walk of mine, I stopped and listened to the wind-chimes and let the cold air blow on my tear soaked face. That's when I heard your voice in my head say, "This too shall pass." Something you always said whenever I went to you with my frustration or hurt. My grief for you will never fully pass, but I know it will get easier with time. The cold breeze on my wet face will pass, warmth is coming, and you are already living in the full glory of summer. I know this because you came to me in a dream. You were riding a bike in a bright pink shirt. The sun was shining and you had this radiant smile. You were laughing and riding in circles. You said, "Sam! Come look! I haven't done this in years!!! Nothing hurts, nothing hurts at all!" I was so excited for you and I looked behind me to tell Andrew the good news, but when I turned to show him you were gone. And I woke up with a world of mixed emotions. I believe whole heartedly you were trying to tell me how happy you now are, free from pain, resting in God's glory. I can be equally full of joy for you and incredibly sad at the same time because grief is bizarre like that.
I know you are telling me you are happy and at peace. I feel like you want me to know heaven is like all the best parts of summer. I think you are giving me a glimpse of how being with God is like being in a place you feel a sense of belonging, and overwhelming joy that you have never known. I know you are telling me this because there have been other dreams that I had where you were laying out on a dock at the cottage but you looked much younger. I still knew it was you. You smiled this radiant smile and said, "My Dad made this for me. It's always been my favorite spot. Can you believe it's still here?" Your face was so full of joy and peace like I have never seen before, and you were excited to share it with me. During another part of that dream I saw you reading a book on the deck at the cottage, the wind-chimes were singing, and there was a warm peaceful breeze. You looked at me again with that glowing smile again. I remember taking a picture and feeling an inexplainable abundant feeling of peace and joy. It was a taste of heaven for sure, and to say that you were happy doesn't quite catch the euphoric feelings that flooded this dream.
My heart still aches to hear your voice, feel your embrace, and to share my life with you. I hope you will continue to show up in my dreams and remind me how awesome it is to be with God. The way you are now experiencing a sense of belonging, joy, and peace with God is the way I felt with you Grandma. I always felt an abundance of unconditional love from you. When I was with you, I felt like I was home. I was fully accepted and loved just as I am. You were so joyful to have me near and embraced me with open arms and an open heart. My last words I spoke to you before you left this earth, "I love you and I will love you forever. I promise, I will see you soon." Thank God I will see you again, and I look forward to our summers together.
Your One and Only Beloved Grand Daughter
When I heard about the news of you suddenly going downhill, my heart shattered and the waterfall of despair came over me. Thank God for little ones. Briley came over to me in the midst of my heart-ache and said to me with confidence, "Have no fear. Have no fear." She then got her children's Bible off the shelf and opened it on my lap as she repeated, "Have no fear. Jesus came as a baby." This tiny one gave me the strength to beg for God to take you quickly so you could be with your son. How right she was to remind me that Immanuel, God with us, will restore what's broken. I just wish this truth also meant that I didn't have to hurt like hell.
Since I realized I was losing you, I have not been able to write. You were my biggest fan and my loudest encourager. In fact, almost every time I wrote a blog, you would personally call me just to talk to me about it and offer praise. I just miss you so damn much. You told me to keep writing and never stop. I paused on the whole writing thing, but now I am pressing play again because I want to make you proud.When I was going for a walk, grieving immensely over you, I heard wind chimes in the distance. You loved wind-chimes and hung them at the cottage. I have such a vivid image of you reading a book on the deck with the sun peeking through the trees, a gentle summer breeze blowing, and the wind-chimes singing nature's beauty. So on this walk of mine, I stopped and listened to the wind-chimes and let the cold air blow on my tear soaked face. That's when I heard your voice in my head say, "This too shall pass." Something you always said whenever I went to you with my frustration or hurt. My grief for you will never fully pass, but I know it will get easier with time. The cold breeze on my wet face will pass, warmth is coming, and you are already living in the full glory of summer. I know this because you came to me in a dream. You were riding a bike in a bright pink shirt. The sun was shining and you had this radiant smile. You were laughing and riding in circles. You said, "Sam! Come look! I haven't done this in years!!! Nothing hurts, nothing hurts at all!" I was so excited for you and I looked behind me to tell Andrew the good news, but when I turned to show him you were gone. And I woke up with a world of mixed emotions. I believe whole heartedly you were trying to tell me how happy you now are, free from pain, resting in God's glory. I can be equally full of joy for you and incredibly sad at the same time because grief is bizarre like that.
My heart still aches to hear your voice, feel your embrace, and to share my life with you. I hope you will continue to show up in my dreams and remind me how awesome it is to be with God. The way you are now experiencing a sense of belonging, joy, and peace with God is the way I felt with you Grandma. I always felt an abundance of unconditional love from you. When I was with you, I felt like I was home. I was fully accepted and loved just as I am. You were so joyful to have me near and embraced me with open arms and an open heart. My last words I spoke to you before you left this earth, "I love you and I will love you forever. I promise, I will see you soon." Thank God I will see you again, and I look forward to our summers together.
Your One and Only Beloved Grand Daughter
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